Guest Article : Relationship Advice That Matters Part One
It occurred to me I should just jump into what often feels
like the “muck” of a better relationship with
self because that is so often where the intense work is being
done. It can seem like a crisis or the scuffles of getting
through the day. Instead of focusing on our relationship to
the self, the creator of the perceptions we are reacting to
as absolute truths, we too often turn the glaring spotlight
on others in our lives.
This tendency traps one in a victim role where others hold
the power to dictate what we feel or do. To quote Steve Biko,
“The greatest weapon of the oppressor is the mind the
oppressed.”
Consider that there are so many chances to look at how you
talk to yourself, rather than obsessing about what your partner
may have neglected to say to assure you or the colleague who
didn’t hand you an agenda at the meeting when everyone
else got one.
Usually, it seems this opportunistic moment is precisely
the one where we often select to falter, back track and undo
the work that’s been accomplished instead of seizing
the opportunity to move even closer to the goal, our true
destination— ourselves.
There is an intangible quality to choices and experiences.
I believe this is why we have visceral reactions to them.
For now lets just agree to call this idea of intangible substance
energy. This energy is expressed in demeanor, attitude, and
deeds put into being, when they are not productive we must
find the courage to be honest about that reality.
The self is calling you to claim your gifts, which exist
to provide you with a temporal road map to success. The mission
is to unearth, learn from, and apply it with the intention
of eventual mastery. This is the point where a simple plan
becomes an important part of “getting on with it”
in a way that is meaningful.
But what is the key to doing this? I have shared the above
with several people and too many didn’t get it. It wasn’t
what they wanted to hear, so I wondered, “Had I failed
or had they?” And did that matter? After all, its not
as if we are in school being graded. But then again, isn’t
that exactly what we do to ourselves?
To use the phrase coined by Iyanla Vanzant, people get grounded
in “Spiritual Special Ed” where they keep creating
the same drama over and over again. Yet, they react in the
same way and waste even more time by pouting over it and then
in effect starting all over to end up acting out the same
script again as if they are oblivious to the opportunity to
choose to react differently.
Each time they are re-victimized, perhaps this is a consequence
of a fear-based society, but since not everyone subcomes this
can’t ultimately, in my opinion, be used to justify
self-defeating responses.
My decision on the issue of who failed? Once I clarified
what my goal was and what the need was that I was attempting
to help the other person address my focus became how to shift
the experience into one that was mutually empowering.
After getting permission to share examples from our work
together, I decided to share specific examples based my case
studies in the hope of illuminating critical aspects of recovery
from battered self-esteem and its symptoms.
During a session with someone and she pointed out my comfort
with abstract concepts and her inability to grasp abstract
ideas. I found this to especially true for her when it came
to issues that required her to release what was familiar,
especially if this meant giving up victimization because that
was how she got her energy in relationships.
It was the refusal to face this that ultimately held her
back, and kept her going from therapist to therapist and relationship
to relationship. Notable progress was made however, when we
realized where she could begin, using a specific process to
change one thing at a time. One important first step we dealt
with self-talk, correcting the dialogues she had with herself
about the events of the day, as well how she allowed others
to speak reat her.
In my own personal experience, back when I felt fragmented
and compartmentalized, I began working diligently on that
issue over a decade ago and it is an ongoing process. One
morning I was reminding myself of the “to do”
list I had failed to write down in the organizer and the appointments
I hadn’t written into the day planner.
Now one response to that would be to berate myself for not
writing it in the organizer, as I had engaged in a long-term
dysfunctional relationship with procrastination and disorganization.
There was a time when I would have willed myself into a nasty
mood because of what I was saying to myself. Without even
realizing it I might have colored my day, week or year. I
have made some progress with procrastination by determining
what were the priorities for me.
I took a moment to remind myself of that when the mental
post-it incident occurred. So my response was to make that
my first priority after I got my cup of coffee and sent an
email. When I began working on the “to do” list,
this article practically wrote itself as I allowed myself
the freedom to journal a bit as I wrote the list of items
I needed to complete into my sketchbook.
Interestingly, writing this article was at the top of the
list. I decided that this made up for any other inefficiency
in my customized system. I trust in this process because it
has allowed me to merge my creative and analytical sides harmoniously
in a way that contributes to my happiness and sense of self
in a way that is gratifying. It is consistent with my goals
and so it does come together to work as a system.
I have claimed my power to make it OK if I make a list of
books to read, songs or artists to look for, ideas, rough
drafts, and even drawings or collages in the same place because
it served no one to make me wrong for doing it. Sometimes
I do have to transfer information into other locations, but
at least I am not procrastinating on my ideas and insights
(which are the seeds of my potential for success) I take immediate
action, even as the next step to take emerges.
My reason for sharing these anecdotes is to illustrate the
point of the notion mentioned earlier in regards to getting
on with the business of truly living. It is my intention that
I have provided more relevant insight into the journey to
the self as an essential part of achievement. Especially where
this is chosen over nursing wounds of past disappointments
and failures. What ever happen, it is the past and nothing
can change it. The important thing is NOW because that where
the seat of power lies in terms of linear time. It is the
present that will create your future. So, what are you doing?
About the Author
Yvette Dubel is the founder of Enhancement Consulting : http://www.enhancementconsulting.net
and creator of the e-consultation product Enhancement Consulting
Simple Plan System© . Enhancement Consulting publishes
“Elements of Your Simple Plan for Success” Complete
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